Final Thoughts

July 1, 2010

I used to dream that when XX died, I would throw a party and celebrate. I pictured myself tossing his ashes into my septic tank. Boy, was I wrong. I feel very sad right now.

His life this last year must have been horrendous, a living hell; trying to hold down a job, running around all the time with his drug addiction, dealing with his poor health and watching our mother get closer to death. I know he loved her very much and her death was very hard on him. Did he want me to help? Is there something else I could have done? Was I there for him? I feel like I let him in down in some way. The thing is, he never knew why I acted the way I did towards him. He never knew why my family hated him (we were terrified of him).

We wanted to visit with my mom on her last birthday, but everyone was understandably nervous he'd be there. We took a chance and went. To my families relief, he never came down. What made an impression on me was he put out the paper plates and forks for us before we arrived. I wonder what he was thinking; how he felt about the situation as he stayed upstairs. Another time, he did come down, with his dog, maybe using him as an ice breaker. My oldest daughter immediately stormed out. He just thought we all hated him I guess. He didn't know we knew about his life. In hindsight, I wish I didn't know anything about what was going on. Maybe then I would have been nicer to him.

He took my mom to see her friends almost every Saturday and had to stay while she ate with her friends. That was very important to my mother. He took her to many doctor appointments and sat in waiting rooms with her. He went shopping for her. He tried his best to make it all work. Can you imagine if he wasn't addicted to drugs?

Please, please if you're in this situation, see if there's someway to get the person to treatment. In hindsight, since I identified him as a problem and hindrance to my moms care, I should have searched for a way to help him.

I prayed so hard for him and my mother. I asked for help and guidance. I forgive him. I hope God, in His infinite mercy and love, will also forgive him. The poor kid didn't know what he was doing. His life ended tragically at a young age. I regret I couldn't save him.